Three: Identity Crisis

You read that right.  The title of this blog is Identity Crisis.  Before everyone starts to gasp at the thought, let me list a few items.

1.  I am talking about myself.
2.  I am still happily attracted to my husband.

This identity crisis has NOTHING to do with sexuality (I put that out there because that is what the term is most associated with).  Nor does it have anything to do with someone stealing my identity to live a million dollar lifestyle (but if someone figures that out on my income... please let me know).  This identity crisis focuses around my identity as a human being (or that is what I thought is was about).  I have been struggling with where I truly belong in this world for about a month now.  I know we all struggle to find our place in life.  For me, this goes beyond just the struggle of what I want to do or finding my passion.  My heart has literally been hurting and my soul has been crying out to find my place.  I can't really describe it... unless you have been in this place, you truly won't understand.

This ache started with the realization that I was using food to try to fill a void in my heart.  I use (yes, USE...present tense) food to deal with stress, boredom, feeling unloved, loneliness, feeling inadequate... you name it, I use food to cope.  I knew this was wrong so I tried to get this under control.  By under control, I mean stop cold turkey.  No more using food to deal with the voids, i.e. identity crisis.  This lasted a good 2 days at most.  Trying to stop an addiction cold turkey when you haven't dealt with the underlying issues works as well as a screen door on a submarine.  So back to square one.  I went back and forth with trying to get my eating under control to the point that I just became exhausted.  That is when God intervened.  Or should I say I actually heard God speaking to me.  He spoke to me through Jenny, who invited me to join her bible study which is focusing on the food issue (BOOM!).  He spoke to me through yesterday's church sermon, which was about identity in Christ (DOUBLE BOOM!).  He is speaking to me through His Word, which shows me everyday how to be a better servant (TRIPLE BOOM!).

This identity crisis I have been in has NOTHING to do with what I do here on earth.  My identity is this, and this alone:  I AM A CHILD OF GOD.  That's it.  How simple is that.  Of course, it is easier said than done.  The world tells me that my worth (identity) is defined by what I do, how much money I make, how fast my kids learn to walk, how clean my house is, blah, blah, blah.  My identity should not be focused on me being a mom, on being a runner, on being a Crossfitter, on being a crafter, on being a wife.  My identity should not be focused on anything that is earthly.  It is too exhausting to try to be all those things and will lead me to an unsatisfied, joy-less life.

Besides, if I focus on just being the best child of God I can be, I believe everything else will fall into place.

Two: Time Doesn't Really Heal...

I only remember a few details from those two days.  I do remember more now than I did, say, a year ago.  I think as time goes on, my mind allows me to have a new memory.  Call it self-preservation, self-protection... call it what you will.  But I can tell you that time doesn't really heal.  And it's not a band-aid, either.

Time is more like a canyon that gets wider with every passing year.  You know where the hurt is. You NEVER forget that pain, but with time, the distance it takes to go back to that place gets bigger.  Of course, this canyon isn't empty.  I don't look down in it and see the glorious beauty of the Grand Canyon, with the Colorado River rushing through the layered red rock.  Instead, this canyon is black; pitch black, an abyss.  It is filled with guilt, resentment, anger, confusion, broken-ness, broken dreams. Yes.  I still have all those feelings.  They have not gone away.  They are forever a part of me... a lingering sadness that cannot be seen on the outside.

So I sit at the edge of this canyon, with my feet dangling into the darkness.  Part of me in the light, part of me in the dark.

Because I am afraid if I let go of the darkness, I will let go of her.

One: Re-Introduction... Briefly

I am, yet again, creating a new blog.  I seem to do a new one with every changing season of my life.  I am believe, though, that is how it should be.  I will keep the old ones as a reminder of where I have come from and each new one will be a story of where I am.

The last time I wrote a post, Lauren was 9 months old.  That was a year ago.  A lot has happened since then.  My life has taken a new direction; a new outlook.  I have consciously changed the definition of my life. Hence, the title of my blog.

So I invite you to take a look into my life.
Then I challenge you to re-examine your life and maybe create a new definition of YOU.

Until then...
Me... Redefined